he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize