I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
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