then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
