The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
