listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Drake has all the answers
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
