Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
