watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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