Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
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