I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
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