my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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