K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
