i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I had to cum in my sink.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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