I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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