we have pet lesbian snakes
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Randomize
