planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
