I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
