Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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