and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
