i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
