i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
