She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
