My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
soo... how was my night?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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