remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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