nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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