First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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