Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Randomize
