She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
