and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
