so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
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