can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Randomize
