Plan B is the new Plan A
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
