When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
