I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize