Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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