And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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