i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
