I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
