he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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