Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
