She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
