hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize