haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
