dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize
