I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
His hands were made for my vagina.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize