i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
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