So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Randomize
