Plan B is the new Plan A
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
