the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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