I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
