I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Sorry my hands just texted you
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
