Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
