I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
