if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
the condom got lost in my hair
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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