I like my sex mixed with concussions.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
