The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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